Sunday, June 22, 2008

Another person that I love just passed away,around a month after my grandmother's.My niece,the one that I wrote before about.After struggling with her life,the best way seems to be for her to go to a better place...Well,I guess we just have to deal with it... :) it's time to let her go...at peace and be our angel that looks at us from above...I love you,Jess...

Sunday, June 22, 2008

It's hard to believe how life can be easily taken away.I'm sitting here in front of the ICU entrance,a 5 months baby just passed away and my niece is still inside,lay peacefully,strugling with her sickness to get her life back on the health track.If you ask me if I believe she'll be fine,I do,I really do,although some of the family,don't.I believe that whatever happens is the best for everyone...I believe that my niece is a real fighter and she'll fight,with us to get better... :) You go,Jes!!!

I think I Know Why My Heart Kept on Pounding Yesterday

It was you and the news that I got today and it's all about you...
I guess I kept my hopes too high... and there it was, a lightning, strike, right through my fragile heart...
Will I be fine?
I don't know. My heart still pounds sometimes, skips a beat when there was something about you that cross my life...
I will... eventually... as always... :)

All in A Day Pt. 5 - Tell Me If It Was You

Friday, May 23^rd, 2008 0 – Tell me If It Was You

There was this guy on my grandmother’s funeral, he’s not cute, he’s not that tall, or not tall at all. Shortly, he wasn’t really the man of my dream or anything. He’s just a man. A man, who, unpredictably, stole my attention or stole my heart to be precise. Well, I don’t know and I’m not sure, but I can’t stop thinking about him.

Think about him and me building a happy family. He as my husband and all that which can fulfill my thoughts of a family, I wrote earlier. Isn’t that crazy? I’m smitten.

I really hope to see him again, someday, soon. If it’s meant to be then I’m willing to wait for it to happen.

Oh, by the way, is the way you feel when you find “the one” as in when you know, you know?

All in A Day Pt. 4 - Dedicated to Life

Friday, May 2^nd, 2008 – Dedicated to Life

Dear life,

Should it be this hard to accept someone for the way they are?

Should it be this hard to start something new, something better?

Should it be this hard to smile when you’re in a great big anger?

Should it be this hard to say whatever the way it is without hurting anyone?

Should it be this hard to move on and forget the damage that has done?

Should it be this hard to reach perfection?

Should it be this hard to love and to be loved?

All in A Day Pt. 3 - Things that's On My Mind Today Pt. 2

Friday, May 2^nd, 2008 – Things That’s On My Mind Today Pt. 2

If I have to pick between you, you or you, I don’t know which one to choose. I never met the two of you, but you both have turned my life away the way that you two might not know.

And you, we spent some days together. My wall was still at its highest and strongest, blocked you away. You’re just too perfect for me, you definitely deserve someone better. I wasn’t as grown up as I thought I was. What about now? Still, I don’t know. I need someone, yes, I am, but not desperate. Sometimes I think that I might want you back in my life, but… I don’t know if it was the best way or not and my heart keeps saying it’s not. You’d better off without me  I know…

And you… the one that I used to think a brother of mine. I look up to you, up till now, I listen to you, to anything and everything you said. I might even do it when you ask me to do bad things, which I believe you won’t. you were there when I needed you the most. You listened, you calmed me down… You eased my mind and brought the best of me like no one else could do before. I wonder would you still be there, be here for me tomorrow when there you were.

You… we started with me who wasn’t myself, stupid me who was hiding behind that stupid mask. I was hiding all my beauty behind the mask of clay.

Would we be together if I weren’t wearing that mask? I believe we wouldn’t even know each other if I didn’t.

So, call me stupidly selfish, but I don’t regret a thing I did, although I’m not proud it. I’m glad I know you, I’m glad I got the best lesson of honesty, I’m glad I learned although in a furious hard way, I’m glad I could come out and throw that mask away at last which was the bravest thing I’ve done, I’m gladly relieve seeing us standing here, apart, in peace. After I hurt you, after I broke your heart, this is better than I expected, although, honestly I still hope for more…

I know I am blessed.

All in A Day Pt. 2 - Can't Believe He Text Me

Tuesday April 22^nd, 2008 – Can’t Believe He Text Me

I still recall what happened last Friday. He text me and asked for my picture. It sure was to update his phonebook, but, I don’t know, I’m just glad he did ask mine. At least, he thought of me once in awhile, although it was a random phonebook, and that’s enough for me, that came from someone out of reach for me.

And deep down, I still want him, and I think I still have at least a little pure love for him that’s ready to be grown as an eternal flower of love.

His image and personality, as far as I know, is completing the image and personality of the man in my dream.

Now, is he too perfect? Do I still believe in my dream? Well, I might and I might not, but I do believe that everything happens for the best reason.

I wish I knew what will happen… 

All in A Day Pt. 1 - Things that's On My Mind Today

Friday, May 2^nd, 2008 – Things that’s on My mind Today

I want to have someone who’s got the same religion/belief as mine. So, I can be married to him, have children and go to church together after we have a simple sweet ceremony in church that I always go (if I was in Jakarta) since (maybe) I was born. My (or his) favorite priest will bless us. Our best dearest friends will be there, of course our family too.

I’ll cry, and maybe he’ll do too. We’re gonna sing, if he knows the songs, the songs that the choir will sing (PS. The choir should be those who we’ve known). We’re gonna have our first dance bare feet in a garden with our favorite song(s).

He’ll take care of me while I’m pregnant and our children after they born…

Our children will be active in church, being a servant during services, just the way I’ve never been.

We’ll teach our children about something that we did wrong in the past so they won’t make the same mistakes again. But when they do, we will not say “we told you,” but “be proud of your mistakes, mean that you just got some great life lesson, learn and live it. It’s fun!” and give them the greatest loving hugs and kisses everyday.

We’ll live happily together and we’ll take imperfect happily ever after as our greatest achievement for our love, together. Till death do us apart…

Will he be you?

(Yang terhormat) RI 1 dan RI 2

Tadi pagi baru liat Pak JK di TV, tapi beritanya apa lupa. Hehe. Begini nih, anak muda jaman sekarang, males banget liat berita di TV ato dimana pun (gue maksudnya, tau yang laen). Ehm... abis itu, siang2 mo cari sesuap nasi, di angkot ada beberapa ibu2 yg bertanya kenapa ada minimal satu polisi di tiap2 gang, ternyata ibu yang laennya tau. Katanya di Bumi Sangkuraiang (ato Arjuna, ya, pokonamah diatas aja) ada resepsi keluarganya JK, ntah JKnya langsung ato kerabat...

Ternyata, gosip itu benar. Beberapa saat yang lau, motor2 dan mobil2 yg py sirine (ato sirene?) mondar-mandir diikuti dengan beberapa mobil yg pasang sen dua2nya (gue ga tau namanya apa). Siapakah yang dikawal??? Sepertinya duo RI itu. Mengapa sepertinya? Karena platnya kurang keliatan dari atas sini (ato mataku nyang emang rabun, ya??? Sutralah), tapi menurut sumber perkataan dan perilaku, 90 persen, mobil2 tersubut adalah mobil2 dengan plat RI 1 dan RI 2 (yg dari sudut pandang gue keliatannya sebagai B 1 dan B 2... Wah, mata yg aneh...)

Menarik melihat peristiwa tersebut... Semua orang yang lagi jalan berhenti di tempat. Beberapa dengan posisi siap, termasuk ada anak yang bener2 melakukan posisi hormat waktu SBY lewat, yang lain, ya, santai aja. Jadi inget waktu maen MB di istana. Kalo gak salah, ada latiannya juga untuk ngehormatin presiden yang bakal lewat. Padahal waktu itu lagi asik2 makan snack... Awalnya kirain mang Ibu Mega lewat, tapi ternyata latian doang. yang ada gue ma temen2 gue heran. Ehm... ntah itu latian ato ngehormatin yg laen. ga ngerti juga... :p

Semuanya membawa gue ke satu memori yang bener2 ga bisa gue lupain ttg Pak SBY... Waktu itu PSM diundang kedutaan AS (yang bisa dibilang diundang AS juga, hehe) buat nyanyiin lagu kebangsaan Indonesia Raya dan juga lagu kebangsaannya mereka, Star Spangled Banner. Wess... bangga banget. Pake baju daerah dan bener2 ACARA NEGARA (emang seh baru yg ke2 setelah MB di istana, tapi tetep bangga karena ga semua bisa dapet kesempatan gini). Ada pejabat2 dari kedua belah pihak, tentu aja gue taunya banyak nyang dari Indonesia, selain duta besar AS waktu itu (itu juga namanya lupa, tapi ramah banget!!!). Ada Sutiyoso (Ehm, padahal ada kesempatan buat nanya PBSI ma dia eh, keduluan ma nyang laen, nyang lebih tinggi pangkatnya, alias orang besar lain), Hasan Wirayuda (yang ini lebih lucu lagi, dari atas panggung gue kira dia temen bokap gue ato sapa gitu yang gue dah pernah kenalan secara langsung... sumpah, sok kenal banget ya gue??? hehehe), trus... aduh lupa, yang punya Metro TV, artis2 juga banyak, Nia Dinata, Nicolas Saputra, ampe katanya ada yg liat Julia Perez, tapi tau bener ato nggak, dulu tau ada makhluk yg namanya JuPe aja nggak, ada juga temen gue, namanya Juvia, dipanggilnya Jupe... Juviaaaaaaaa... kamu kemana??? Semua itu dicari sewaktu kami dipajang di panggung (litterally)... sebelum menyanyikan lagu2 tersebut.

Nah... sebelum mulai, tiba2 crowd yang ada di depan kita dibagi menjadi 2... dengan pengawal2 yang memisahkan mereka... dan beberapa saat kemudian... datanglah satu rombongan dengan seorang dari antara mereka yang paling mencolok yang tidak lain adalah... SBY... Wow... auranya langsung memancar dari badannya yang tegap. Ntah kenapa tapi, sampe sekarang gue tetap menganggap beliau adalah salah satu presiden terbaik yang pernah dimiliki Indonesia. Well... pernah bikin salah? Pastinya. Namanya juga manusia... ga ada yang sempurna, pasti adaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aja yang salah, niat baik aja kadang2 jadi salah. Banyak yang demo karena kebijakan yang dianggap salah dan ga bisa membawa Indonesia kesuatu tahap yang lebih baik ato apapunlah... Ya sudahlah... Namanya negara, ga bisa diperbaiki cuma dalam 1 periode kepemimpinan, apalagi sebulan dua bulan. Ada2 aja... Eh, tapi bukan berarti gue ga ngedukung demo loh... kecuali demo2 yang gak penting, yang vandal, yang rusuh, yg ngerusak... Teman2... demo yg kaya gini malah bikin masalah tambah runyam... Tujuan demo buat didenger dan cari solusi, yang ada malah bikin masalah baru... Jadi, hati2 loh.

Ya sudahlah... Inti dari tulisan ini... Gue sadar sampe sekarang gue masih tetap pendukung SBY-JK... dan gue iri ma anak tadi yang hormat dan di-dadah-in ma yang ada di dalem mobil RI 1 (kalo bener RI 1)... Huaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... aku juga mau di-dadah-in ma Ibu Any... :( Hehe... selamat berjuang Bapak-Bapak yang terhormat. Kupercayakan Indonesia kedalam tangan kalian... Buat Ibu-Ibunya... dukung Bapak-Bapak, ya, Bu... :)

Terima Kasih... :)

FoR OnCe

For once

there's no doubt

hanging around in my mind

For once

the whole burden that I'm scared about

is no longer there

For once

I feel like i'm doing the right thing in my life

For once

finally I can put a very wide smile

Angry with the Anger

Sitting here
Quiet
and mind wandering...
What am I doing here?
Just sitting
Quiet
and mind wandering...
What to do
with the anger
that slips through my finger
through my skin
through my mind...

"Aku benci dirimu"

Those are your very last words to me. Maybe you can say whatever you want to say. I deserve it. I deserve all your anger towards myself. I even hate myself for this.
Damn... I miss you, you know. But, sorry... it really has to end.

A night at a time...

Another day came by without you

I guess I'll be okay

Sorry for all the things I've done to you

I really didn't mean to hurt you

It wasn't because of you

It definitely has nothing to do with you

It's just me who doesn't feel the way you feel

It was just me who felt too scared to face anything

To step forward...

To be honest, even to myself

Sorry...

I'm sure you'll be okay...

Goodbye...

Have I Made the Right Decision?

When everybody still loved up after the valentine's day, here I am thinking if I made the right decision already by saying goodbye to him...
Many things have happened to us, the good, the bad, the in betweens, one thing led to another. So many reasons and explainations but yet s...
I still have doubts although at the same time I strongly believe that this is the best for both of us... plus, I still have butterflies flying around in my stomach...
Is it the way you feel when you make a right decision? Or it's the wrong one?
Oh dear Lord... please help me make it through each night...

The RAin Just Pour...

I know you've seen the rain before, but there was something different about this one... Money Rain??? Nope, I mean, it's just the rain, water kinda rain, but, it came so suddenly. Just like that and it was straightly a heavy rain...
Gosh, ehm, I don't actually know what I'm talking about...
Sorry...
Peace y'all...
PS. Rihanna's Umbrella should be more popular by now... :)

Why Can't I?

Gosh... I'm hating myself right now... Why can't I just kill that f***ing b***h? She's really getting annoying each and everyday... Gosh... I can't stop cursing myself right now. I never thought that kind of girl is actually exist... A girl who puts money and everything above it all...

Gosh!!!

I am sick!!!

Maybe, I wish...

I wish everything could go as simple as that, just like a snap of your fingers and everything could go your way, but unfortunately... the answer just has to be 'no'. Although it doesn't mean that there's no way at all, but still... sometimes it just harder than it seems...

But why? Why couldn't it be the way that I want?

I keep asking why, why , why and why to myself. I'm great in giving people answers, but I can't give any answer to my own question... So sad...

I wish i could be a more open person than I am today. Well, in fact, I don't think I'm that open anyway, maybe not even to myself. Sometimes I find it hard to understand the way I feel inside, or maybe just scared to look deep into my heart... to finally realize that it is what it is... and when I do... all just too little too late... or so I thought...

Easy... Hard... Definitely hard...

I am one of those girls who can easily fall in love... But at the same moment, I am one of those girls who's hard to be in love and love someone as a whole... But after I do in love with them... I am one of those girls who's definitely hard to forget the one that I once love...
What kind of girl am I?
It it a crime?
Is it right to call myself a woman now?
Why do I even ask that question???
Foolish!!!
Proud to be one, I guess... :(

Why Does It Have To Be This Way???

Love and to love is more complicated than I thought it would be... Something has always get in the way... There's always something wrong in it. I know that I'm not supposed to expect for something perfect or whatsoever you wanna call it, but still...
I wish there's a less difficult way to love and to be loved...
I wish... only wishes...
I always say that I want to love someone in a whole, not parts. But when I think I could love him as a whole, not parts (since he's waaaaaay beyond the man of my dream), there's just something in between... Something that I'm sure cannot be fix, at least cannot be fix with my way... or this soon...
And when I'm ready to love someone as a whole, when I'm ready to love him back... the chance to love just slipped through my bloody frickin vein or whatever...
Oh... life... love... leaf... as in a clover... now I don't want to be left alone...

Hello... hello... :)

Finally...
I managed to create a real blog here... a bit late (maybe more), but hey... better late than never, rite...
Anyway... Ehm... Just want to say hi to everyone here and...
by the way... again... you can request me for some songs, since I downloaded some songs here as well... so...
I'll wait...
Catcha later...